Fallen Angel

For when the sunlight filtered in,

She looked up to see his face,

Illuminated,

A halo of a fallen angel.

A slight smile played on his cherry lips,

A slight crease on the kissed dimple,

Dark lashes framing his cheekbones,

Like a million butterflies about to take flight.

The rays brushed his peachiness softly,

Gently,

As she ran her finger down his cheek ever so slight.

I love you, she whispered.

Before she slid down into his arms again,

Melting in his aura to drift back to sleep.

In peace.

That Dream.

Define peaceful.

Where the world doesnt bother me. 

Where my work is in my home. 

Where i dont need to worry about anything.

Where my love holds my hand day and night.

Where good is good, bad is bad. Right is right, wrong is right.

Where no one is loud.

Where we walk to the sunday bazar, to pick the fresh fish and a loaf of bread. Walk down and people say, Bongiorno... come stai? Andiamo.

Where theres a spot by the lake, where we snack every night.

Everyone knows everyone.

Bonfire. No worries. Light music.

No waves on the lake.

You know whose face i see when i imagine all of this? My lady.

The walls are beautiful.

The houses are painted in subtle colours.

The mosque is around the corner.

And butchers bring halal meat for you.

The roads are not tarmac, bricks laid 100 years ago.

The car doesnt need A/C.

The people dont quarrel.

The money is not a problem.

Slipper or no slippers, the ground is yours. The world feels fresher.

Where there are farms of strawberries.

Cheesemakers.

I love everything about a place like this.

Tourists come. And you invite them over. Listen to their stories. Tell them our stories. How we started, How we got here. And look at each other with love in our eyes. Smile on our faces.

Where big is not important, cozy is important.

Where people dont compete with each other. Everyone is just content.

A funeral is attended by the whole town.

A wedding is attended by the whole town.

Where the streets are safe.

Where the lights are from the dam nearby.

No bills.

Where there are water springs nearby. Drink from it, feel youthful. You live longer this way, you age slower. Worries wrinkle your face. 

Humidity is low, the hair doesnt mess up.

Sunlight is mild, the face doesnt tan.

The temperature is cool, the socks dont stink.

In the 2 bedroom apartment, On the 1st floor. Luxury is redefined. Electronic fireplace. 60" tv. Ipad connected home. Surveillance. Mahogany wood furniture. Horseskin carpets. LED mood lights. Wall mounted entertainment system. 16 speaker surround sound. Electronic kitchen. No gas. Smooth and silent cabinets. Premium cutlery. Premium china. High sofas. Handmade. Hand carved. Thick throws. Bunny slippers. One wall full glass. Electronic drapes. Teakwood workstation. Bathtub in the middle of the bathroom. Not oval, round. For two people. With bubble makers and Grohe rain showers. With mirrors there too. 

Jab lene ajaun, tho chali ana mere saath.

Beautiful Storm

Tonight, after a very long time, I could put my pen down and smear my emotions on to paper. Tonight, I feel like I'm overwhelmed with waves of sadness crashing on to my weak wall of sanity. Tonight, I want you to come save me from this flood of pity that threatens to drown me once again. All over again.

Sometimes, somehow things don't work out the way you want it to. Maybe this feeling of insecurity that has grown inside of me has pushed down all my strength around me, leaving me bare to face the evil closing in. But how did that insecurity get there in the first place? Is it the lack of love? Is it the lack of respect? Or is it the lack of attention? Or is it just me? How can a person change so much over just a short period of time? As much as I try to be myself, my insecurities has me flattened to the ground. My nose to the lowest levels of earth. And the force pushing me down does not lighten it's strong hold on me.

How do you judge me so easily? How can you ask me to be myself when I keep losing her in the midst of fighting for stability? No it's not a fight. And no I am not fighting. It's a freakin' war. And I am battling. Then don't tell me to be myself, when I have seen mutilated bodies strewn all around me in the wake of rising dust.

As much as I want to grab on to this sane part of me from walking away, I can't. You have to accept me as this raging tornado, or leave me to my own destruction then. Because this is what I am. A beautiful storm. I can be just a sight passing by peacefully for once, or I can be the dark thunder that strikes you blind. But a storm is all about dark destruction, and that's what I have become.

Some people make you beautiful. They believe in you, they believe what's inside you. And only that pulls your hope-to-survive higher than ever. You are my ray of sunlight, that dries up the fallen raindrops, pooling into deep scarring puddles. You are my ray of hope, that brightens up my doomed darkness. You are my breath of fresh air, that disperses this anger. 

You are the calm to my raging storm. 

Love has me Smitten.

Some ways of life baffles you into confusion. Some laws deflect into a complete unexpected manner. Some people just become a part of you and that's it. 

Somehow, somewhere I bumped into you and I forgot about everything else. I forgot what road I was walking on, I forgot what life achievements I was aiming for. I forgot why I had existed. If I had existed at all. 

I took your hand and my blood coursed through your veins. Your heat warmed up my body. My thoughts ran through your mind. And your rapid heart beats were heard by me.

I looked into your eyes, and for a moment I couldn't see anything there. It scared me. Because I was so used to the power of reading everyone's mind, it left me scattered. But then you kissed me and the world bloomed like that one perfect rose. I fell into the depths of your need and your wants. And drowned into the sweetness of your soft lips that sucked the soul out of my limp body.

I didn't know I had lost my heart for good at that point. I couldn't recognize the signs of true love that had so blantly stared at me for years. 

There is true love in this world. And it doesn't have to be in the form of a perfect person, with perfect attributes, at the perfect time, in the perfect way. No. It may come in the form of the most unlikely person and the most inappropriate time ever. But you have to give your heart enough freedom to recognize it, enough strength to hold on to it and enjoy love to mould and cherish it into something so beautiful. 

Love had me smitten. Love had me restless. Love had me realize why the bad happened to me and why I had to wait this long. Love completed me. Love left me yearning for you all day long. Love had me sigh in your arms at night. Love gave way to vivid imagination and lucid dreaming. Love gave me the strength to fight back. And it's love that will take me to you forever, once again. 

When you Expect.

It is all about expectations anyways, isn't it?

What breaks or makes a relationship is how much you expect and how much you actually get in return.

There comes highs and lows too. In the beginning you have very low outlook on how the other person maybe, but as the chemistry and attachment increases, so do expectations. And that's where compromise steps in.

So the other person might not always be a gentleman, or he may not be in the mood to express just as much, that doesn't mean you throw everything away just for that one day.

Simmer down, look away, pretend like that part of disappointment didn't exist, and move on. 

But too many disappointments lead to anger. And anger cannot be extinguished with just thoughts. 

Why do we expect in the first place anyways?

Why do we wait for the other person to return to us what we have given out of love? 

If you love, then you should love. Not expect anything in return. That's not love. That's expecting the other to feel the exact same way you feel, which is very unrealistic. Because every person has a different life situation, different school of thoughts, different goals in life and different wants and needs that change according to time.

So expectations kills a relationship.

And some relationships are too precious to be wasted away like that. 

Restless

And I couldn't hold it in anymore, 

as the tears started running on their own. 

And the sobs heaved my heart dry, 

as the pain hit me headlong,

the emotions so strong.

I cried till the night turned over on its back.

I cried till the birds chirped waking up.

I cried till the first rays shone on the lingering droplets from last night.

I cried.

Till my heart was tired.

And the tears dried.

From the lack of more fight.

And I closed my eyes,

To your beautiful memories,

As you smiled right at me,

As we made love gently.

When your lips drank away my needs,

And fingers trailed my skin so preciously.

I cuddled into your endless thoughts,

And slowly,

drifted off restlessly.

Stronger

The hardest part about all this,

Was not leaving you to die a slow death,

But to realize at every passing breath,

how much you really meant to me.

The worst thing about me,

Is not having strength enough,

To turn around,

and run back into your arms,

Where I had found,

A precious sanctity away from all harms.

Let them hold me tight and strong,

Where I belong,

And the place where my soul was reborn.

But now I'm stuck here,

This airless corner of the cruel world,

And every second without you,

Has made me realize,

How big a mistake I made when I walked away.

For everything was so right,

When you were right here by,

And now I'm lying here all alone,

My soul almost dead and gone,

To think how I've been so very wrong,

To leave the only thing that ever lasted this long.

Infinity is you,

The only person I can ever belong to.

And I want to apologize,

For all the pain I caused,

And I wish the rain would wipe your tears away,

For I,

should have been stronger anyway.

Kun FaYaKun

My heart aches when I think about you, so far away. Maybe because I know I'm the only one who can love you right, but then I'm the only one is not allowed to love you. I torture myself thinking back to your smiles, the laughs when you are happy. The sigh of contentment when the comfort level is too high and the moment too perfect. The tiny kisses when your heart overflows from love from second to second. I think back to how my heartbeats slow to a drag in your arms, and how I feel like no outside entity can ever touch me while I'm with you, simply because you won't let it. And my heart dies a little under the thorns of those of memories. I want to let you go. But I can't. You are the only thing holding me to this world. It's because of you I look out the window every morning and smile at the beautiful colors splashed all around me. It's you that shows me the hidden secrets of life that are worth living for. I have fallen so deeply in love with you that nor the earth, nor the heavens are vast enough to contain it. Nor has ever love been so timeless and evergreen. But this tiny ray of hope. It keeps me yearning for you. Day and night. At every point in my day. 

Kun FaYaKun.

If HE wills it to be. It will be.

I Write

I write,

Not to forget you,

Or to distract me. 

But to spill ink on canvas,

And leave a dark stain,

Of our brief moments together,

When our realities faded,

And our dreams coincided.

And this way,

I would live,

And die,

On these pages,

Of your faded love,

And broken promises,

For eternity to come.

Are you Still?

Are you still there? Watching me. Reading me. Looking for yourself in between the words. 

Do you still wake up every morning to the thought of me? Wondering if today maybe I missed you more than last night. If maybe today I'll return back to you.

Do you still drive into the sunset on your way to work? Daydreaming the beautiful colours that fill your thoughts with. Living a brief moment of fantasy you've stored in the secret corners.

Do you still stare at the screen blankly? Wondering if I'll ever show up. Reminiscing the beautiful moments just a century ago that took your breath away.

Do you lay staring at the ceiling every night? Pretending to feel me near you. To turn and look deep into my eyes. Stroke my cheek with your fingers. And close your eyes to the lingering presence of me.

Are you still waiting for me to come back?

Are you still fighting the feelings that have embedded themselves deep within your heart? 

Are you still struggling to fall out of love with me?

My Book of Poetry

And every second slowed to a standstill,

As you turned away for the last time.

The rain drops stilled to a painful drag,

The breath left me swiftly to die. 

That night I opened the first blank page,

To smear my infinity of tears,

Slash the emptiness with the ink of pain,

Paint the words every soul fears.

Every poetry cried in remorse,

Your betrayal screamed in gothic colors,

Yet I found my peace in this world,

As page after page sewed my broken heart for another.

The Memoirs

These workings of God mystify me. Why does he do what has happened? You can have the entire world in the palm of your hand, yet you never realize an important part of that picture is missing. Till you are faced with it. Till you smile in contentment. Till you laugh at every sarcastic remark. Till your heart beats at every small confession. You feel like that person a million miles away, is more closer to you than your own heart. Is this a mirage? Is this supposed to be a test for desperation. To wave that one thing that you need most right in front of your eyes, separated by a thin glass wall. No matter how close it is, you just can't have it. It's cruel. This need starts at you, and stops at you. How do I live each day without you to love, is beyond my understanding. Yet I love you through every text message, every picture you put up. And every night I sleep complete. 

To you I Belong. (Abu Dhabi)

*My shortlisted entry for The Emirates Airline Festival of Literature - Capture 380 contest.*

It hasn't been that long. To last when I slid my fingers through your fine, pale sand. To when I felt the coolness of the night gone in every grain that brushed my skin. To when I picked up a handful and let it blow away in the winds. 

It hasn't been that far to when I delicately put my feet into your sparkling waters. They chilled me to the soul. With every wave washing away the pains to the shore. With every particle reflecting the ever blue sky. And melting me into it's turquoise depths.

It wasn't that long when I breathed in your early morning air. The fog just lifting, leaving dew drops sliding down the shivering leaves. And as the breeze caressed my face, I could feel your love growing in me. The fragrance of the freshly cut grass soothing my chaotic thoughts. 

To you I have always belonged.

An eternity has passed to when you cradled me in your arms through starry nights of sleep. To when you held fast to the moment I took my first steps on you. To countless birthdays that passed in raising me to be safe, confident and loved. I rebelled. But you never ceased to envelope me into your patient arms of comfort. 

An eternity has passed to when you matured from a plain land to hovering skyscrapers. To when I watched my birthplace change its face entirely. I saw you accept the different from far away lands. And how you grew into a graceful centre of beauty with white clouds bowing in awe of your generosity. 

To you I will always belong.

My heart yearns for you yet again. For home has been nothing else. No matter how many times I tried leaving, your love pulls me back. The beckoning skies and the sultry waves pull me back. The memories of innocent carefree days pull me back. For I can still hear the tinkling laughter of the young as they played. For I can still remember the first times that I engraved on your every bark. 

For i still remember how you welcome me back with open arms every time.

And heal me back to sanity once again.

A Part of You

Look up,

I can see you as clear as the sky.

Break the mirror, ignore the reflection.

Look into my eyes, come back to reality.

You are that one person, no other can ever be.

Believe that, live it.

Lie to others, but you can't deceive me.

Pierce through your soul I can,

Bring out the deepest of emotions I can,

Comfort you I can,

'Cuz a part of you I am.

The Girl on the Train

He saw her when walking back from the dining compartment. She sat serenely with a forlorn look on her face. Like she was the most loneliest person in the universe. His heart clenched painfully and something pulled him towards her. 

'Hello. Is this seat taken?'

She looked at him startled like for a minute there she has forgotten she was traveling on a public train.

'Oh! No. Please make yourself comfortable.'

'Thank you' 

She went back to staring aimlessly out the window.

'The weather looks pretty depressing.'

The golden eyes turned on him unsure if he was talking to her. 

'Oh yes it does. Unfortunately. Although rain had known to make the most depressed of hearts sing with glee.'

'Yes it has. When you are with the right person, rain can take you to heaven and back. Surround you with a delicate curtain of glistening diamonds. Tinkling happiness. 

When rain falls on the girl you're with, she comes back into her natural state. No makeup, No hairdo, Just pure innocence. Sparkled eyes. And when the water runs down the lips, which she would tighten every so often to not let the water in, but gentle enough to pink them up. And make them soft..'

A second of pain flashed through her eyes and she looked away. Her face cringed as a painful memory passed her.

'Whoever he was wasn't worth it.' 

'He was. He is.'

'Yet he left a beautiful flower to face the storm all alone.'

She looked back at me with her eyes wide. 

'He hasn't. He will be back. He always does.'

'How can you be that sure?'

For a moment she looked deep into my eyes. Searching. Then her lips stretched into a slow smile. Like she knew a deep secret.

He couldn't help but smile back as her face became more beautiful then ever.

The intense chemistry crackled through the air. He couldn't take his eyes of hers. Or he thought he would die.

'Because he is right in front of me.'

He got up and stretched out his hand towards her. Waiting.

Gingerly she put her hand in his and got up. Moving close to him. Till her lips reached his ear, where she whispered.

'Darling, where are the kids?'

You Have

Have you become a part of me yet?

Secretly.

For I feel your every heart beat,

Throbbing love through my veins.

For I feel your every breath,

Warming me up in the shivering draft.

Gently.

Have you left your mark on me yet?

For I see the scar on my wrists.

A wound that I feel yet the world doesn't see.

For the pain doesn't seem to heal,

And deepens every passing clock.

Torturing.

Our souls are still entwined,

The shreds holding on in the passing storm.

Have you left yet?

Have you not nowhere to go then?

Then to me you return.

Every time an eternity of heartache ends.

Regret.

That Dream

There comes a morning every few days that I wake up from a dream longing for you. Sometimes I finally have you and sometimes I stand in a corner waiting for you to recognize me. The excruciating wait. The uncountable number of years that have slipped by and I still wait for you. The doors of finality had shut a long time back, yet my heart just doesn't give up. Somewhere in some tiny corner is a tiny sliver of hope that you may recognize this love. The only true love I ever had. With the wrong man. Tragedy is the play of this world. Sad beginning to a apprehensive life. How does one get over this intense longing of the only person who never recognized you? A cruel play. No matter how hard you try to end the story, the empty spaces never fill. 

Tale of Perfect

Look into my eyes,

Search my soul within the dark core.

A few specks of floating dreams,

A dark ring of infinite beauty.

Drown in the sadness of murk,

A tale as I search for the perfect man.

For who makes me the better of myself,

That who shows my self worth with no effort.

That who loves with no flaunt,

For that who rains flowers with no clouds.

For him who creases a golden smile of reassurance,

For him who smells an aura of comfort.

For that which I slide towards content days,

And for which I snuggle in warm long nights.

Drown in my dark pools of want,

In which he doesn't mind being all day long. 

And watch me reflect,

The stars in my eyes.

Search the dark forest of autumn leaves,

For that one bright Ray of sunlight,

For that Ray that had warmed my heart,

For that Ray which brightened the coldest corners.

In a matter of second,

Live an infinity of fairytale.

A prince for his princess,

A prince for his princess.

The dream of a teenager,

That she never outgrew.

Because no matter how many stories of brutality her eyes sought,

It never gave up on that one story of perfect true love.

That one perfect true love.

 

I'm Sorry

Sometimes you just gotta move on with life. After years of a relationship, there comes a point when you realize you've been busy chasing a mirage. A waterless, painfully bland mirage. It had given you hope. A picture of happiness. But only temporary. No promises. And you've been blind enough to chase it through the hot desert, dwelling in what little joy it gave you for the time being and then disappearing, leaving nothing but ashes of the heart. 

The truth hurts. It's a damn killer. Slices right through your heart when you have to give up on something that you hold so close to your heart. But at least you are forced to face reality. Lose your dreams and open your eyes permenantely. To see what you are actually going through and to accept with every ounce of your willpower. The situation is never going to change. No matter how much you start living in your dreams. It is just never going to change.

So find happiness in what you got. That's something to believe in. Something to look forward to. And instead of trying to make the impossible work, try and make normal life happen. 

I'm sorry for all the heartache. I'm sorry for loving you much. I'm sorry for fate. 

That Moment of Indecision

One thing I've learned in life, through my 'bad' experiences, is to never trust my heart. Quite contradicting to what those life quotes usually teach us. 'Trust your instincts', 'Listen to your gut feeling.''Your heart is always right'. Yeah...that. Hasn't quite worked out for me very well over the years.

And you guessed right. This is yet another heart vs head rant. Unfortunately it's a norm in the life of oppressed with very few emotional outlets. The fight is never ending. And I usually end up throwing my thoughts on to this wall to analyze and build some sense in me. Which basically means to persuade my inner demon to follow the brain for once in its lifetime and not screw up again. Sigh..it's an ongoing battle with no signs of truce far and wide. 

But should I really blame myself? Isn't that what you should expect from a free spirited bird that's been caged down forcefully and hardly has space to even beat its wings? Or am I playing the pity card which really has overgrown its sympathizing days? 

Think it's about time? Yup, it's definitely about time. Think I should maybe not do it? Yeah, maybe you shouldn't. Think we can go through the withdrawal phase? Nop, too painful. Isn't it about time I righted my wrongs? Definitely is. Then why is it so damn hard to do it? Because you are afraid that loneliness will engulf you in its dark depths once again. I'm not that attached am I? That's for you to find out. Sigh...this is hopeless. 

It's hopeless to extract myself back from that feeling of completeness. To want to turn and walk towards the other path that is so so lonely. How does one leave so much happiness and not turn back immediately? It's a scary world out there, and you hold me firm. You hold me tight in your circle of warmth and this feeling of soft fuzzy secureness. 

But. But. But. I have to do it. If not now then definitely later. There is a heartbreak looming up in the near future anyways. Why not start the process now so I can return back to brooding and complaining after couple of years. Have. To. Leave. 

But I can't. 

But I have to.

Dammit can't.

Have to, have to, have to.

*Sigh*