That Moment of Indecision

One thing I've learned in life, through my 'bad' experiences, is to never trust my heart. Quite contradicting to what those life quotes usually teach us. 'Trust your instincts', 'Listen to your gut feeling.''Your heart is always right'. Yeah...that. Hasn't quite worked out for me very well over the years.

And you guessed right. This is yet another heart vs head rant. Unfortunately it's a norm in the life of oppressed with very few emotional outlets. The fight is never ending. And I usually end up throwing my thoughts on to this wall to analyze and build some sense in me. Which basically means to persuade my inner demon to follow the brain for once in its lifetime and not screw up again. Sigh..it's an ongoing battle with no signs of truce far and wide. 

But should I really blame myself? Isn't that what you should expect from a free spirited bird that's been caged down forcefully and hardly has space to even beat its wings? Or am I playing the pity card which really has overgrown its sympathizing days? 

Think it's about time? Yup, it's definitely about time. Think I should maybe not do it? Yeah, maybe you shouldn't. Think we can go through the withdrawal phase? Nop, too painful. Isn't it about time I righted my wrongs? Definitely is. Then why is it so damn hard to do it? Because you are afraid that loneliness will engulf you in its dark depths once again. I'm not that attached am I? That's for you to find out. Sigh...this is hopeless. 

It's hopeless to extract myself back from that feeling of completeness. To want to turn and walk towards the other path that is so so lonely. How does one leave so much happiness and not turn back immediately? It's a scary world out there, and you hold me firm. You hold me tight in your circle of warmth and this feeling of soft fuzzy secureness. 

But. But. But. I have to do it. If not now then definitely later. There is a heartbreak looming up in the near future anyways. Why not start the process now so I can return back to brooding and complaining after couple of years. Have. To. Leave. 

But I can't. 

But I have to.

Dammit can't.

Have to, have to, have to.

*Sigh*