When you Expect.

It is all about expectations anyways, isn't it?

What breaks or makes a relationship is how much you expect and how much you actually get in return.

There comes highs and lows too. In the beginning you have very low outlook on how the other person maybe, but as the chemistry and attachment increases, so do expectations. And that's where compromise steps in.

So the other person might not always be a gentleman, or he may not be in the mood to express just as much, that doesn't mean you throw everything away just for that one day.

Simmer down, look away, pretend like that part of disappointment didn't exist, and move on. 

But too many disappointments lead to anger. And anger cannot be extinguished with just thoughts. 

Why do we expect in the first place anyways?

Why do we wait for the other person to return to us what we have given out of love? 

If you love, then you should love. Not expect anything in return. That's not love. That's expecting the other to feel the exact same way you feel, which is very unrealistic. Because every person has a different life situation, different school of thoughts, different goals in life and different wants and needs that change according to time.

So expectations kills a relationship.

And some relationships are too precious to be wasted away like that. 

How to live an Unbearable Life

The worst thing to happen in life, is to not understand your own self and your own needs. True there are many mysteries in daily life, like why doesn't it snow in the Middle East or why isn't chocolate cake considered breakfast? But trying to understand why you suddenly start crying over an innocent snap, or why you want what you can't have but you still want it so bad as to not live without it, that, yes THAT takes the freakin' prize. 

Pardon me for freaking out so often, but my battles are fought on paper. And when I don't write, I overthink. Thus drawing insanely inaccurate conclusions which result in embarrassing outbursts and damage of important relationships. Which then drives me to more writing. It's an endless loop. An outlet that sometimes work in favor and other times mends those relationships. 

I look around me and wonder how people can be so sure about life? I see people in a repeat loop on daily basis where they spend 15 hours of their life doing the same exact thing over and over again. Every. Single. Freakin'. Day. Like hello, you do realize your life is trickling by you stealthily while you do work for unknown people that gives you no advantage whatsoever. Except the monthly salary that you blow on your ride to and back from work. And the funny thing is, they are happy people. How? How can you be happy just sleeping through your life and not realizing every second you waste away is never coming back? HOW CAN YOU ACCEPT A HORRIFYING LIFE LIKE THAT? 

I cannot accept it. And you know what else I can't accept? That this all cannot be changed. Life is not a song on repeat, it's a melody that is played by your fingers. You want the robot life, you got it. But you make no memories. You don't find true love. You don't get to try sushi or go sky diving or ride a hot air balloon. You don't get to meet new people who change your life by teaching you what you never knew existed. You don't get to live the beauty of beautiful sunsets and blooming flowers. And I want all that. And believe it or not, I won't stop at nothing to get it. No culture is going to stop it. No high walls are going to stop it. And no matter how much you try to handicap me, I will not lose hope or the will to live my life the way I want it. 

Like I've said before, every want of yours can be fulfilled the right way. Just remove the wrong from it gently, side sweeping it into the drain. And living the want the right way. Sometimes it's tough to do it, but it's the only option you have as opposed to giving up on it. 

But for the love of God I can't figure out what I want. It's like my body and my soul has two different minds and are on so complete different plains. They have captured my body, but they couldn't my free flying soul. It has a fight on its own. And it's relentless. It's exhausting. It's never ending. 

Maybe I should be happy that I still have a fight left in me. But it's scarring. And everytime I hurt, the wounds cut deeper and deeper. 

Maybe one day, there will be no return to the sanity holding me down.

The beacon of my night

(This verse was written for another time, for another moment. But for some memories, time stops forever.)

Night after night,
Time stretches infinity,
Seconds turn into centuries,
And eyes see beyond reality.
"Come and take me,
Before I fall apart."
Before life drowns in a void,
Before you fall for someone else.
"Listen to my heart",
A cry of despair,
A dreaded end,
A desperate prayer.
Look into my eyes,
A timeless story remains untold,
A love that survives all wrong,
And a fire of passion burns all emotions.
I live in fantasies,
I dream you close,
Hold my hand O' Darlin',
And never let go.
Cuz' you're the light of my days,
the mist of my moonlight,
The glow outside my dark thoughts,
The Beacon of my night...

The inner demon

Do you have one? Not talking about the good-evil combo scrutinizing every single move of ours from the front seat view of our shoulders. But ever get the feeling that you've been completely possessed by that bad bad demon, which till now used to lurk in the tiny dark corners of your mind? That timid creature that was too scared of the huge positive ego that shined right through your face like sunshine on a bright summer day. All it needs is one gaurd let down and *BAM* It attacks! It attacks like a bitch and knocks you off you your feet.

Everyone has the downhills in there lives. Life is pretty much like a sine curve. There comes a peak of happiness, which then slopes downwards to intense depression, which then again slopes up to neutral. But sometimes life hits a dead straight line in the negative area (beeeeeeppp) that goes on and on and on, a never ending torture. At first you fight it, challenge the bad luck every step through the way. Bring it on you bad ass, I won't back down no matter what! And you fight and fight and fight, not realizing that it's wearing out your mental fortress horribly. And then finally, when ur weak enough, it gives the last powerful shock of all. And you drop to it's mercy. Begging to be let out of the misery. But really? Is it going to go that easy? Nooooooo. Not till it had taken you up in it's wrath, destroying every aspect of life, and whatever little happiness you have ever latched on to. It hits you with worse over worse, making you regret challenging it in the first place. It takes your friends, family, love and strips you off of every atom of positiveness you ever had in you. Till you drop spent at it's feet. The life taken out of you. Nothing left except a long list of people who hate you, and no one left to love you.


That's the point where you break down. The point in life where you finally lose it. You don't know where to turn, right or left, too scared to come face to face with this demon again. So you just shut down every emotion in your system and unplug your mental thoughts to move straight on. Take every blow in silence, and hope it ends sooner than it intends to.


The fear of being hated. They should have a name for that. Maybe one takes for granted when everone around you accepts you for no price  at all. Loves you for being so positive against the ugly backdrop of harsh reality. But isn't it ironic how the harsh reality rubs off on you and not you on it, the other way round? For a second there, you congratulate yourself for being a beacon of happiness in a lot of lives. And the next second they scorn you for existing. Sigh. One should never have the inner desire to bring happiness to others. It just turns around and hits you back square in the face like a well thrown boomerang. But could it be helped? Is it natural for a person to depend on other's happiness so much? If the world has become selfish, why does one care so much?

The frustration of keeping to perfectness overcomes, and instead of attaching everone to you in positive sockets, you end up giving them reasons to criticize you and snub you. So much for hiding the bad demon in you.


That which you hide, comes out sooner or later.