Princess Diaries 14: Revived

Dear Diary,

I have been revived once again. Bought back from the dead.

Its been that many years. Time lost in the healing of the heart. When I thought I had finally moved to the other side. When the sight of you was a mere whisper of a forgotten past. 

How would I have known that an innocent brush of your fingers against my skin would cause my heart to race once again. That all thoughts would leave my mind and my body would become numb with an intense wave of insatiable want. That your warm hand over mine would cause every cell in my body to sigh in content. 

How was I to know that your closeness would slowly drive me insane. That watching the sun go down together will join us at the heart again. That your soft voice and your concerned eyes would draw me in, into that magic once again.

I have been struggling since then.

The number of times of I have picked up my phone to message you, to connect with you again. To ask you if you are struggling as I am. To ask you If you have been unable to move from that moment like I have. And every one of those times I put it down with shame.

Oh Dear Lord help me. Help me get through this painful period. Help get back to the dead again.

I yearn for you day and night. Every second of every hour of the day, I yearn for you.

But I cant.

Princess Diaries: 12 - Sweet Fate

Dear diary,

That day was an extraordinary day. Something happened that goes against the normality of life. Something that had me believe in fate again. 

For the longest time I've felt alone. Like I've been drifting through life with no anchor. Attaching myself to things that never really held me down. But then their exists some souls that pull you back. Pull you back and hold you down. And though there might be confusions and everything might be blurred, but in the end you face the reality. That bond is so much more stronger. There are things going beyond what we can ever imagine. How?...When? Why? 

Maybe it was that instinct right from the beginning that tugged at my heart constantly. Maybe it was the fantasy painted with vibrant colors, a mirage that melted my heart. Maybe he never left. 

But dear diary, what does it all mean? Is this a second chance at something that I've always wanted? Or is this a continuation to a story already happening? The second chapter? 

But I'm happy. It's like a part of me was lost, and I didn't even realize it. Just put it down to one of life's tragedies. And when I got it back, I bloomed again like a flower deprived. Although it lasted for few counted seconds, I got my light kiss of the rain. 

So I'll play this game. Wait for sunshine to take my name. And everyday when the sun goes down, I'll watch the colors merge into one another. Thinking that far beyond, you'll be watching those colors with thoughts of me and no other.

Yes dear diary. Fate is sweet sometimes. 😊

Princess Diaries: 10 - The big bad world!

Dear Diary,

I know I have always been one of the less perspective ones in the lot, unable to grasp people's real intentions hidden within their cores. I know I get so swept away by their sweet, fake imposition, that i completely miss their ugly dark insides. I know I have always had trust issues, where I trust too easy and realize too late. But really, is the world THAT bad?

It is just so easy to believe that every person around you has your best at interest. It takes so less an effort to just be happy with everyone you associate with on daily basis, trying to avoid the ugly web of lies they might be weaving to suffocate you. Yet everyone knows that fairyland and Santa clause does not exist. There is no such thing as good intentions. Specially in a corrupted country as this. Definitely with corrupted people like these.

Yes, I've been hit straight in the face with yet another lie. A reflection which was not a mirror, sadly only a mirage. What I blindly trusted for a friend, turned out to be nothing but a devil inside. A broken trust once more. A blinding arrow straight to the heart.

Haven't we seen enough movies to realise that the good guy always wins? Why are we so scared of the floating lies then? What could those liars hold on our head, that burden us so much? Yes, we can try to avoid every hurdle they place in our way by just sidestepping quietly. Look the other way every time they try to showcase another one of their master discoveries. But can we hold steadfast to the true nature of our reputation? Would the natural and bare bearings stay put for long? Or would they wither away in the harsh weather conditions?

After all that dear diary, what really matters is, holding fast to all the values that leads you through the path of good. No matter how much they sting. bite, poison, don't stoop to their dirty level of getting revenge or attacking their reputation in order to elevate yours. Hold your head above the water. Don't let them drag you down with them. Because you deserve to live in bright sunshine and glow with your true self, and not sulk around in the dirty sledge at the lowest parts of the sea with them and their filthy, stinking lies.

This above all: To thine own self be true,for it must follow as dost the night the day,that canst not then be false to any man.
- Shakespeare (Hamlet) inspired by Socrates (Know thyself).

Princess Diaries: 9 - Silent Heartbreak

Dear Diary,

I am suffocating. My throat is swelling up. I cant breathe. Its getting harder to concentrate on my surroundings. The horrible, piercing pain in my chest. Its increasing. My heart seems to be out of control. Beating at a killer rhythm. The lack of oxygen. My mind is numb. A heavy weight on me. Pushing me down. Pushing me to lose sanity. I cant think about him leaving. No. My vision is getting blurry. I cant see. Is it raining? Everything is swimming in water. Then why do only my cheeks feel cold and wet?

I am in denial. Yes I am. He has always been around me. Like a fluffy, invisible blanket enveloping me in its soft warmth. I feel safe. I cant let that be taken from me. He cant leave me. He can't take away that feeling of security from me. Of being wanted. That feeling of belonging. He is the green land. I am the lonely tree growing on it. Don't take my base away. I am losing it.

But this is what I wanted. For him to go. For me to be alone. For me to be free of that scent of affection. To be free of that promised forever. I want to be independent. I want that emotional attachment to dissolve. So I can be alone with my joys and sorrows. I want to be left alone in this cruel world. I want my fort to break. I want to take off my shield. To be open to all the bullets coming at me. I have the ability to fend for myself. To counter back on my own. I am strong.

Yes dear diary. I have to get through this. This heartbreak. I am shattered into tiny little pieces. And every little piece is shattering into a million more. But i have to mend. Fast. Because i want to live alone. Without that soft blanket of security. Without that undying true love.

Help me.

Princess Diaries: 8 - A fall on trust

Dear Diary,

     Is it true that people may completely change during the course of time? That relationships may completely fall apart as their bases wither away? I always thought a person became wiser in understanding the complicated world around them as they stumbled through experiences. But do those experiences make a person more vulnerable and blind to what maybe needed of them?

There was a point in life when I was sure that if I ever decide to fall backwards unexpectedly, there would always be a pair of hands to catch me from falling. I trusted dear diary. But when life paralysed me once again and took away a large part of myself away with it, there was in real no one to hold me. And I fell to never recover back.

Is it my fault dear diary? Do I make the big mistake of trusting? I mean isn't that how the world works? You ave to have your trusting instincts intact in order to survive moving forward. Even if it's a just piece of paper you trust, or an assembled machinary, or a person, one that u might have known for years on. HOW DO YOU SURVIVE WITHOUT TRUST?

Yes, I went through the most horrible moments of my life. Yes, I needed a pair of hands to hold me up, for me to survive. But dear diary, I was left to die. If it wasn't for the angel in disguise, who never left my side, I could pretty much be resting in a morgue right now. It tears my heart to realize how heartless and materialistic the world has become. It's not about the people manipulating there ways into cream of social and business worlds, it's not even about being cheated out of cash and valuables, it's about losing those close ones whom you thought will walk with you till the very end. It's about them changing into the worse of themselves without realizing whom they hurt on the way.

So tell me dear diary, is it me or has it really become impossible to trust anyone at all?

Princess Diaries : 7 - Every single second is a battle

Dear Diary,

Every single second is a damn struggle...struggle to breathe, struggle to think, struggle to move on. Its a struggle to not type what your heart feels, to stay quite and push the feelings deeper within and its a struggle to press the red button instead of the green. Life can make you feel so stupid sometimes. You have to cat fight your heart into doing something just because its 'right'. Throwing away your happiness just to play by the rules. Wish i could just run forever and not look back. Not look back at the damning society that follows your every move like a b****, the bland days that have to be faced everyday. Its like the world suddenly turns black and white. Through the haze of smoke, its hard to face reality. Never let go of that smoke, of something that takes the pain away for few minutes. I cant ever. Want more and more, till one day i wouldnt have to face anything.

Yes dear diary, pain is what its all about. But what's worse is you have no one to share that pain with. How could you? Its gonna break mentals, cause havocs. But sometimes...you just have to be strong. Not only for you, but for life itself. For it to understand that what you did had to be done. There was no other way. This path of thorns was the only way to get through to the other side of the cliff. Heaven doesnt last forever. You have to work for it. Maybe i epxected it to be all roses and smiles forever...and thats where i was wrong. I have to work for it dear diary, to make it mine.

But what pains even more is that life never understood. It never was about showing off your feelings or encasing them to the entire world, no...it never was .It was more personal. A precious gem in between. It was about the secret smile that was shared, a similar thought that was said aloud at the same time, the same song being repeated in the head a hundred times. It was about the intense chemistry when sparks flew, the thousand words that the eyes exchanged, and the quite assurance of being secure when one's around. Oh diary it was about the softest touch, the frantic search when lost and the romance that bloomed in the quitest of nights.

It was beautiful.

Like a song that had violins play to the emotions. Dear diary, it was perfect, like a red rose in full bloom on a summer morning. And it was magical, like a fairytale with all its fairy godmothers and glass slippers.
Maybe i just want to end here, cuz i dont want to face reality.

Maybe i want to live with the memories for a while, let them take me away.

Maybe...

I have no other choice.

Princess Diaries : 6 - Long lost memories

Dear diary,

So this trip is almost at its end. Why do all good things end in a blink of an eye while the bad drags on forever? Dont you sometimes wish you could just stop time right there and then, so as not to face what you have to eventually? Even better, dont you wish the time machine was invented already? Just turn the pointer to 3 weeks ahead and Voila! you're back to where you started. Where are all white-haired Newton wannabes when you need them most? Uff.

I sit and reminisence the past few most wonderful weeks of my life. Between all the trips to dubai and elsewhere, laughing like maniacs on the stupidest jokes when high and shopping madly at the sales like wild shopoholics, the part to most cherish was meeting up with old friends, who once used to be a significant part of your life sometime earlier. People you've lost touch with for years. Although it was a nice experience in its own, a startling realization struck me. Some had changed while others were the exact same. How is that possible? Doesnt life and its experiences always alter your personalities into either good or bad? But then how'd i miss out on such important parts of those people that were the closest to me? So close, and yet so far. Those thoughts that i can relate to so clearly. Its like i had been living blindly all this time, looking for something elsewhere when all the time it was staring me in the face. How, dear diary, could i be so dense? I never believed in judging the book by its cover. And that is exactly what i did all that time ago. But i guess im being given a second chance, and this time i wont let go.

And that is exactly what you need in life, dear diary. A heart that beats in the same rhythm as yours, a brain that works at the same frequency as yours. A face to fantasize about, to relive the moments with a different set of beliefs now. Sometimes, the heartless carefree perverts of the world may turn out to be your bestest friends.*smile*

Princess Diaries : 5 - Matters of a confused heart

Dear Diary,

Just landed home after a short trip back from Hyderabad. Two words, hell again. After taking a long breath of relief and thanking god for getting me home before i actually scattered my brains there, i turn on my beloved laptop. Oh! How i missed it, my sole partner through times of lonliness and sadness. Felt bad for deserting it so suddenly. But its the only thing that would stand by no matter what. This silver & black HP branded, running-on-electricity piece of metal is probably my only support thats keeping me sane in this city of chaotic madness. I love you to bits my baby. Keep alive till i breathe! *Muah*

Ok ok, so ill stop the mushy gushy and sentimentals now. Back to what i was saying before i lost track and started singing the lappy love song. Yup, turned on laptop, checked FB (Crap boring!), checked Blog (no additon to the number of followers, like i said they all hate me), checked hotmail (Scrreeeeeeeccchhhhh!). Wow. I mean seriously. Some emails really make you all happy. I mean there are people out there who actually care. So while listening to a remix which kinda destroyed a beautiful song, i went through them. Simply Gorgeous. Made my effing day! And then i realised, that maybe (emphasis on maybe) a laptop is not the only thing that stands by you through thick and thin. Maybe im expecting too much, but sometimes it actually feels nice to sometimes let go and believe. To stop being too cautios and let your heart work on its own will. Although it is kinda obvious that that organ is THE one that will get you in deep trouble and destroy your life, but sometimes you just have to trust it. And Just when im having those yummy thoughts, my brain takes over the whole romantic ordeal. and my heart scutters back to where it was trapped just seconds ago. Coward *sigh*

So then i think, back to gossip girl it is. A big packet of mnms and the start of Season 3 is exactly what i need to calm my brain down. Prevent an uncontrollable war that is brewing unavoidably in the air. The brain-heart war that im so used to now. Logic or dream come true? With emotions and tears involved, it can be nothing less than a nuclear war! How about we not repeat history right now and just go back to boggling over Chuck Bass and scheming with Blair Waldorf. Buh byes.

Princess Diaries : 4 - Sweet Summer

Dear diary,

Is it really going to end? Another summer gone already? Wasnt it just moments ago when Mom and dear sis showed up to change my boring minutes into unexpected fun? Only seconds ago when i got your first sms? But hey wait up time...i still got a whole lot of memories to replay in my mind.

Ah...the hopeless bowling skills, the photography capturing each and every action, the carefree laughing at the stupidest jokes. *Sigh* Life does have its good moments. I wish i could bring those hours back when we got high on almost nothing (ahem) and acted like druken idiots. Ok maybe not everyone of us did, but hey...you gotta admit we never did that when normal. Ok maybe we did. But one thing is for sure. The chemistry is still there! We have gone through some extreme highs and lows of moving to a chaotic city, seen life break and drown right in front of our eyes and had some icebreaking experiences with the people around us. But what held strong and brought us through was our friendship. And im proud to be friends with the worlds best gals. Hats off to us and our friendship! *applause*

And then we have some amazingly good friends to thank god for. Not good...The BFBF(s)! If it wasnt for you...I would be in the dredges of hell (umm...not quite...but worse!). Thankyou for making this summer so beautifully special and you really do mean a lot to me. *smiles*

Didnt someone once say a sister is a gals bestie? Ok...i made that up...but it IS true! All you people out there who doesnt have a sister and wants one bad....Hahaaaaa Tooo baddd! Cuz my sis rox the land! Thank you sis for 'bearing' whis one month with me, and for introducing me to 90210. Downloaded the rest of the episodes! *wink* love ya!

So yeah...life does have its good moments.

Princess Diaries : 3 - Drooping Rose

Dear diary,

Life has thrown another spin ball at me, but this time i struck out. Yup dear diary, it smashed the stumps clear off. I thought i could hit a sixer, but...i misjudged. So apparently im going through one of the lowest moments in my life. All i want to do is hit the comfy couch with a huge bucket of ice cream and some sad love stories to cry on. My mind is on stand by right now. So numb. I dont want to think dear diary...cuz i know its going to kill me.

So then what do i do? I've always believed in being patient. Wait for the storm to pass. If you stand in its way trying to stop it, it will just destroy you along with everything else. And when everything is quite once again, look around you. Yes, all you might see is destruction and pain, but look above you. Look at the clear sky. Look at how calm it is. How blue it is. And that is when you pick up little pieces of ur broken house and build it once again into a more stronger house. One that can this time, stand through another storm.

So i wait.

And i dont think. But how do you stop memories from surfacing day and night? How do you fill up that empitness inside you? How do you expect a rose to survive without oxygen? A rose that has lost its vibrance, the petals dropping so low it has no life left. Dear diary, crazy is the word here...but i have to add belief to it now. Dreams can be turned to reality. Isnt that how the world goes round? Every night while i sway outside to the music of the breeze, i look up and search the dark, lonely sky. And i see the moon. Pure as pearl always. And then i wonder if it can read my thoughts being so far away?

"Can we pretend airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars...i could really use a wish right now, wish right now, wish right now..."

Princess Diaries : 2 - Raging Storms and Sweet Revelations

Dear Diary,

Yup, Karachi is once again a full on target for an oncoming disaster, this time in the form of an angry angry cyclone called Phet. I must say life is exciting here. What with all the natural disasters, terrorist killings, kidnappings, and lets not forget, the scorching heat, it couldnt get anymore fascinating. Uff! *rolls eyes*. I do still remember (and miss) those carefree days back in Abu Dhabi when the most exciting thing in life was a new crazy flavour at BR (Mango Tango?!) or an exciting airshow at the beach. Lets see how this crumbling city holds up and survives yet another furious storm. *fingers crossed*

So dear diary, How exactly does it feel when you finally hear something you've been waiting a long time for? Elated? Uncontainable happiness? Racing heartbeats? Ah...life is a much better place then. The flowers seem more cheerful, the birds more chirpier, even the dreary polluted air takes on a more romantic feeling. You turn into Cinderella the beauty, all you want to do is sing and dance in the rain with those cute little birds and the fluffy little chipmunks. You start living a magical fairy tale full of beautiful fantasies.*sigh*

Daydreaming has always been one of my weaknesses dear diary. I would be working with intense concentration when suddenly *poof* my mind may dissapear into a world unknown, full of 'riding away behind my knight in shining armor into the sunset's and 'happily ever after's. I go into a trance. What happens during that, is unknown. A war might break lose right beside me or gravity may finally lose its hold, i wouldnt know. But dear diary, somethings can only be brought close by dreaming, and by believing in them.

But really, what more can a person want?

Maybe a reality shock.

BZZZZZTTTTT!

Does it work? Nope.

Ah...the hold is strong, its blinding dear diary. And you know what...

I have lost control...

Princess Diaries : 1 - Emotions of a distraught Princess

Dear Diary,

Yesterday i started with a new part of life. It is quite exciting and a wonderful learning experience i must say. Eons of hidden knowledge in this world and hardly time to uncover it all. I finally got a glimpse of how it all is 'behind the scenes'.

Even though I should be elated with happiness, something doesnt seem right. The colors have gone outta my life, all i see is blacks and whites. Its like im watching a boring video of my life going past my eyes. Everything has lost its charm. The flowers have lost their vigorious color and soothing fragrances, the trees dont sway merrily with the wind like they used to, even the tiny little fuzzy kittens and those chirping birds hold no interest for me. Why is it, dear diary, that life seems so empty now? That i feel so empty now?

The evenings used to be a fabulous time for me, when i would watch the world fall from bright cheerfulness to the mysterious darkness. I would absorb the bright colors around me and smile at the lovely world outside. And now all they consist of are broken memories and tears of a lonely soul. I gaze at nothing, staring away at spaces for hours, my mind a whirlwind of thoughts. All those happy laughter and teasing jokes seem so far away now, like a beautiful dream that was once. Maybe, it was never meant to be forever.

Yes dear diary, the truth is one big ugly monster, hiding in the darkness, and just when you least expect it, it jumps out at you and tears you to shreds. And the pain is unbearable, never ending.

But i have to survive it. I have to move on.

It just seems so impossible...