Tale of Perfect

Look into my eyes,

Search my soul within the dark core.

A few specks of floating dreams,

A dark ring of infinite beauty.

Drown in the sadness of murk,

A tale as I search for the perfect man.

For who makes me the better of myself,

That who shows my self worth with no effort.

That who loves with no flaunt,

For that who rains flowers with no clouds.

For him who creases a golden smile of reassurance,

For him who smells an aura of comfort.

For that which I slide towards content days,

And for which I snuggle in warm long nights.

Drown in my dark pools of want,

In which he doesn't mind being all day long. 

And watch me reflect,

The stars in my eyes.

Search the dark forest of autumn leaves,

For that one bright Ray of sunlight,

For that Ray that had warmed my heart,

For that Ray which brightened the coldest corners.

In a matter of second,

Live an infinity of fairytale.

A prince for his princess,

A prince for his princess.

The dream of a teenager,

That she never outgrew.

Because no matter how many stories of brutality her eyes sought,

It never gave up on that one story of perfect true love.

That one perfect true love.

 

I'm Sorry

Sometimes you just gotta move on with life. After years of a relationship, there comes a point when you realize you've been busy chasing a mirage. A waterless, painfully bland mirage. It had given you hope. A picture of happiness. But only temporary. No promises. And you've been blind enough to chase it through the hot desert, dwelling in what little joy it gave you for the time being and then disappearing, leaving nothing but ashes of the heart. 

The truth hurts. It's a damn killer. Slices right through your heart when you have to give up on something that you hold so close to your heart. But at least you are forced to face reality. Lose your dreams and open your eyes permenantely. To see what you are actually going through and to accept with every ounce of your willpower. The situation is never going to change. No matter how much you start living in your dreams. It is just never going to change.

So find happiness in what you got. That's something to believe in. Something to look forward to. And instead of trying to make the impossible work, try and make normal life happen. 

I'm sorry for all the heartache. I'm sorry for loving you much. I'm sorry for fate. 

How to live an Unbearable Life

The worst thing to happen in life, is to not understand your own self and your own needs. True there are many mysteries in daily life, like why doesn't it snow in the Middle East or why isn't chocolate cake considered breakfast? But trying to understand why you suddenly start crying over an innocent snap, or why you want what you can't have but you still want it so bad as to not live without it, that, yes THAT takes the freakin' prize. 

Pardon me for freaking out so often, but my battles are fought on paper. And when I don't write, I overthink. Thus drawing insanely inaccurate conclusions which result in embarrassing outbursts and damage of important relationships. Which then drives me to more writing. It's an endless loop. An outlet that sometimes work in favor and other times mends those relationships. 

I look around me and wonder how people can be so sure about life? I see people in a repeat loop on daily basis where they spend 15 hours of their life doing the same exact thing over and over again. Every. Single. Freakin'. Day. Like hello, you do realize your life is trickling by you stealthily while you do work for unknown people that gives you no advantage whatsoever. Except the monthly salary that you blow on your ride to and back from work. And the funny thing is, they are happy people. How? How can you be happy just sleeping through your life and not realizing every second you waste away is never coming back? HOW CAN YOU ACCEPT A HORRIFYING LIFE LIKE THAT? 

I cannot accept it. And you know what else I can't accept? That this all cannot be changed. Life is not a song on repeat, it's a melody that is played by your fingers. You want the robot life, you got it. But you make no memories. You don't find true love. You don't get to try sushi or go sky diving or ride a hot air balloon. You don't get to meet new people who change your life by teaching you what you never knew existed. You don't get to live the beauty of beautiful sunsets and blooming flowers. And I want all that. And believe it or not, I won't stop at nothing to get it. No culture is going to stop it. No high walls are going to stop it. And no matter how much you try to handicap me, I will not lose hope or the will to live my life the way I want it. 

Like I've said before, every want of yours can be fulfilled the right way. Just remove the wrong from it gently, side sweeping it into the drain. And living the want the right way. Sometimes it's tough to do it, but it's the only option you have as opposed to giving up on it. 

But for the love of God I can't figure out what I want. It's like my body and my soul has two different minds and are on so complete different plains. They have captured my body, but they couldn't my free flying soul. It has a fight on its own. And it's relentless. It's exhausting. It's never ending. 

Maybe I should be happy that I still have a fight left in me. But it's scarring. And everytime I hurt, the wounds cut deeper and deeper. 

Maybe one day, there will be no return to the sanity holding me down.

That Moment of Indecision

One thing I've learned in life, through my 'bad' experiences, is to never trust my heart. Quite contradicting to what those life quotes usually teach us. 'Trust your instincts', 'Listen to your gut feeling.''Your heart is always right'. Yeah...that. Hasn't quite worked out for me very well over the years.

And you guessed right. This is yet another heart vs head rant. Unfortunately it's a norm in the life of oppressed with very few emotional outlets. The fight is never ending. And I usually end up throwing my thoughts on to this wall to analyze and build some sense in me. Which basically means to persuade my inner demon to follow the brain for once in its lifetime and not screw up again. Sigh..it's an ongoing battle with no signs of truce far and wide. 

But should I really blame myself? Isn't that what you should expect from a free spirited bird that's been caged down forcefully and hardly has space to even beat its wings? Or am I playing the pity card which really has overgrown its sympathizing days? 

Think it's about time? Yup, it's definitely about time. Think I should maybe not do it? Yeah, maybe you shouldn't. Think we can go through the withdrawal phase? Nop, too painful. Isn't it about time I righted my wrongs? Definitely is. Then why is it so damn hard to do it? Because you are afraid that loneliness will engulf you in its dark depths once again. I'm not that attached am I? That's for you to find out. Sigh...this is hopeless. 

It's hopeless to extract myself back from that feeling of completeness. To want to turn and walk towards the other path that is so so lonely. How does one leave so much happiness and not turn back immediately? It's a scary world out there, and you hold me firm. You hold me tight in your circle of warmth and this feeling of soft fuzzy secureness. 

But. But. But. I have to do it. If not now then definitely later. There is a heartbreak looming up in the near future anyways. Why not start the process now so I can return back to brooding and complaining after couple of years. Have. To. Leave. 

But I can't. 

But I have to.

Dammit can't.

Have to, have to, have to.

*Sigh*

Princess Diaries: 13 - My Heart is Dead

Dear Diary,

There is so much I want to say to you. I'm bursting at the seams. All I want to do is grab you, shake you so very hard and scream at the top of the lungs. Scream so you would hear me. Scream so you would acknowledge my existence. Shake you out of your dreams and into mine. Those dreams that had us bonded so very tight, once upon a time. When this world was enough for just you and I. And nothing else. 

But I can't do that, can I? No, I can't. No one likes a screaming girl. That's just too much drama. You wouldn't really care for my dreams when you're so happily immersed into your reality. You wouldn't want to divert your attention towards mine. You wouldn't want to look into my eyes and see them brimmed with desperation. You wouldn't. Because it's faded for you. Faded. Faded into a black void. Leaving nothing but ashes behind. 

And that void has killed my heart. That nothingness has sucked me into a never ending well of sadness. I'm free falling into it. It's a long way to the bottom my love, but I'll hit it one day. And everything will blow into sparkling colorful confetti. The happiness that was never allowed to be released. It will get a way out. Will you then still not look back at me? Will you still not hold me in your arms? 

The kiss in the rain.

The Soul of the Moon

As I look up at the moon,

It looks down soulfully.

Shining less than brightly. 

'Who are you thinking about?'

It asks concerned.

'Just my soulmate,

A part of my ever destined fate.

A bit more further apart than he wanted,

A bit less mine than I wanted.'

'Tell me about him.'

'He taught me to dream the beautiful,

To be myself and say the truthful. 

His passion touched my very core,

The stubbornness is such a lure.

That intelligence has him stand apart,

And the short bursts of anger are adorably the cutest part,

Nothing makes me smile more than those sarcastic remarks,

But I miss him so much I can't even start.'

'What do you see my girl?'

'A moonlit night at the quiet beach,

With tiny waves washing of the soft  sand,

A white cabana with flowing silk  curtains,

A bed of lillies lit by tiny candles all over the land.

Maybe a little bonfire to light up the desires in those eyes,

Maybe a little smoke to clear up the starry skies.  

I see two souls intertwined for the sake of love,

A beautiful night spent in heaven one could never imagine of.'

'What else do you see?'

'A theme park floating in laughter,

A cotton candy store with some play after,

Hands held too tight to leave,

A kiss under the fireworks that leads to a passionate eve.

I see top of the world over the clouds,

The breathtaking view that leaves no doubt,

When he writes WILL YOU MARRY ME on the foggy window,

And the tears of joy that cloud for tomorrow.

I see a small white house with the red roof,

Fence, flowers and a little car need no proof,

To run the course of life in love and peace,

To complete the soul of its missing piece.'

The moon smiled knowingly,

The deepest of desires leaving me so lonely,

It wished upon a lone star,

To give the soul it's desire from so far.

Our Story

Every two people in this world have a story. A story of those two people alone. 

Like the lone two stars in the huge dark empty sky.

Some stories are long, some are short. Some last infinity.

Some are too intense while some are breezy. And some consist of a single  glance only.

But those two people always change at the very end of their story. 

One person always effects the other somehow. 

It might be a positive effect, where you might be encouraged to bloom into a beautiful human. Or it could be negative where you learn to hate the entire gender race because their infidelity.

That story might have a million pauses, with a lot of empty days. Days that turn into years. 

Or it might be so constant that you adapt to it as a part of your soul. Like the sun adapts to the earth. Like the earth adapts to the moon. 

My path of life may change lanes when you pull it towards you. Or it may repel to a further lane taking us further apart. Ending our story earlier than it should have been. 

But I wonder. 

What role do you have in my life? How will you effect me? Will our story be ever great?

But more importantly...

How long will our story last?

Why I Hate Marriages

Marriages shouldn't exist. It is the most stupid concept that has been invented on earth. Why two people should have to compromise more than half their lives and ALL their needs just to live together, is beyond me. And DONOT give me that over done excuse of 'LOVE'. Why? 

Because LOVE. DOES NOT. EXIST.

It's just a gay mushy alias for sexual attraction. For lust. For dependency. For an excuse to blame your failures on the other person. It is a misused word to believe that you are finally at the epitome of life. It is the most overrated excuse for every bad action in this world. It is senseless. It is a freakin fairytale. As real as shrek or Prince Charming. It just does not exist. Period.

Humans were born independent. They are conditioned to live independent. Why else would every person have different needs and personalities? If they were supposed to live in pairs, every person would have a soul mate. And by soul mate I mean a perfect copy of yourself in the opposite sex. Same favourite colors, same favourite ice cream flavors, same outlook on life, same passions and goals. So there would be no conflicts between the two. Nobody would ever have to compromise or sacrifice. Those words wouldn't even exist! No resentments, no grievances. 

There would be NO negativity.

But since reality is harsh and there is no such thing as perfect soulmates, two normal humans are NOT conditioned to live together. Why would you want to waste your life fighting over mundane things like where you would like to place that pillow and whether or not you should get black or white shelf? Why should two people be stuck forever with each other and give up on socializing, dating or meeting new people without the fear of 'cheating' on their partners? (Omg you looked at him, you are a whore! Omg you touched her hand, you freakin ba*t*rd! Get my drift?) 

Everyone should have the freedom to do whatever they want. If you want to keep your shoes near the door, you should be able to do that. If you want to watch gossip girl the entire day with a gallon of white chocolate raspberry truffle in your hands, you should be able to do that. Hell you should be able to just get up and leave to another city for a week if you want to. To fall in love with anyone that you want. This is your life. Your choices. Not the choice of a person who decides to live with you just because his parents said so and cares nothing of what you want or need just cuz he doesn't FU*KING KNOW YOU. 

It's apparent. I hate marriages. I hate weddings. 

That fleeting Memory

It's weird how a person could be living the perfect life and comes a moment when a memory flows by. 

Touching you slightly, reminding you it's still there. 

You say hello and goodbye at the same time. You don't want that memory to linger. Don't want that empty void to grab your attention. Remind you of whats not there. You want to stay fulfilled and happy. 

But that memory nudges you. Waiting for you to pay more attention to it. To accept the feelings it bought with it. No matter how much they hurt.

And one day you give in to it. As exasperated as you are, you decide to accept it. And take on the bleak feelings that come with it. As much as you are high in life, you do look inside and give a thought to what it is that's bothering you. 

And you realize. And then you admit.

You miss. 

You miss that fascination with sleek fast cars. You miss the intelligent sarcasm. You miss that red hot anger that flared from time to time. You miss being yourself and sharing your most sacred thoughts without the fear of being misunderstood. You miss those intimate moments of fierce connection. Most of all you miss that underlying affection that exist under all that those denying words. 

You miss a lot. 

And then you wonder if ever the thought of you crossed that mind. Probably not.

Or probably you don't want it to. 

It's too much work. It's never enough.  

It should just stay this way. 

No matter how much you yearn it. No matter how much you care for it. 

Leave it like you would leave a diamond necklace on the shelf, untouched, unowned. Just beautiful on its own. A beautiful fantasy. 

"The pale stars were sliding into their places. The whispering of the leaves was almost hushed. All about them it was still and shadowy and sweet. It was that wonderful moment when, for lack of a visible horizon, the not yet darkened world seems infinitely greater—a moment when anything can happen, anything be believed in." -Olivia Howard Dunbar

Fate

Memories,

As they swish down a lane,

Of lonliness,

Take me far back to your arms.

So close,

Yet so far.

No,

I haven't forgotten,

The gorgeous sunsets,

As they disappeared into a delicious darkness.

The light drops of freezing water,

As it sprinkles like fairy dust,

On you,

And me.

Drenched are we in each other,

Holding on so tight.

I haven't forgotten that promise,

Of a kiss,

In that rain.

I haven't forgotten,

A single fantasy.

I hold to you,

And you hold to me.

Fate,

Holds us forever.

Forgive & Forget, and donot Expect.

That's my new motto to life.

In a land crawling with hideous creatures that live on cheating and lying, you really need a plan B to fall back on. 

My plan B is repeating this sentence over and over in my head till the impulse to kill passes. Atleast 20 times each day. 

And then you ask what I do all day. Pfft.

For the last 8 years of my life, I've spent countless moments going under the constant torturing of wanting to slap sense into the stupid people of this country. 

I've been emotionally blackmailed, my conscious raped, wronged and guilt tripped into doing what they have always wanted. No matter how wrong it was. No matter how much my conscious screamed at me to stop. 

I've been in this constant heart/brain battle that has left me scarred in so many ways.

Revenge had become my mantra. 

For taking my freedom away from me and trapping me in an endless loop of empty days.

For taking advantage of my innocence and emotions.

For ganging up on me and pushing me around, and laughing every time I fell.

I was filled with anger. Intense overflowing anger  boiling in me for days and days. The more I suppressed it, the more it pulled me under. Till it finally let lose in torrents of tears and wailing.

A breakdown.

All that pushed me into deep corners of deafening silence. I stop talking, I lost interest. I got lost in my own thoughts. Depression. My biggest enemy. 

I strayed from reality.

After a million days passed and till the scars deepened did I understand how to finally get myself back. How to be happy again.

It's very simple.

Forgive 

Forget

And donot expect.

The day I started doing that I found peace.

I forgave people for the way they treated me. I forgot it ever happened. And in return I did good without expecting them to do the same in return.

I stopped caring about their happiness and started caring about mine.

I wouldn't say I'm 100% content and happy. No. I maybe around the mark of 53%. But that's something to start with.

Till the end becomes better. 

Living in Fear

I never knew what fear was till I moved to Karachi 7 years back. 

I wasn't prepared for this. 

Sure we don't trust people that we deal with in everyday life, or we teach our kids to not to talk to strangers. 

But do you know that cold paralyzing fear of approaching death that cause the very core of your bones to shiver uncontrollably?

Yeah that. 

Karachi embeds it in you.

You see that fear in the way people start panicking at the sound of fireworks, mistaking them for gunshots.

You can see it in the eyes of a mother dropping her kids to school early morning, double checking the security, looking around for evil lurkers in the shadows just as she lets those tiny hands go. 

You can feel it in the fast beating of those hearts when a motorbike slows beside you, just waiting for that muzzle to be pointed at you within half a second and for you to be robbed and killed.

That fear is in the polluted air around you. In the eyes of little kids. In the way a beggar flees. In the way cars speed. In the way crowds disperse. In the prayers of a repressed soul. In the bowed head of the helpless. In the barred up windows and doors. In the sky high walls. In checkpoints at every gulley.

That fear infests in the pit of a shopkeepers stomach, who has no money to pay the blackmailers. And threats after threats he waits for his last breath.

That fear of dying. 

Of losing the ability to watch your kids grow older. Of losing the right to enjoy every plate of delicious food your mom cooks for you. Of losing the sense of pure ecstasy of living every second you are alive.

It could be one gunshot. 

One suicide bombing.

One hit and run.

One robbery.

Karachi is not the city of lights anymore. It's the city of fear. 

And as much as I try to brush it off, uproot it from inside me, I can't. The news doesn't let me. The number of people killed everyday is my neighborhood doesn't let me. The fact that I was in that place few minutes before it was blown up, doesn't let me.

Everyday seems the last.

Everyday I kiss my kids good night and close my eyes in agony of restlessness.

Fear.

It has robbed me of my life.

It has killed me inside.

 

Heart of Stone

One thing I learned today is that selfishness is an embedded part of human nature. Some more and some a lot lot more. It's hard enough to be completely open hearted to put others before you. Where has humanity gone?

How hard it is for a person to be nice towards another in need of it? Two words of kindness, just a nice smile. How much does that cost ya? Not a crappy cent. You be a mean bitch, karma is a mean bitch. 

Oh but if that mean bitch needs you to get things done, out comes the shower of praises and gifts. And anger melts away from your heart. And just as soon as they are done, you get thrown out on the streets like a used, deflated balloon again. The praises and gifts gone in wisps of smoke that never existed. Not to be looked at again. Unless afcourse till when you are needed next. 

I have never understood why people do that? Why use someone so selfishly? Why not help someone just for the sake of their happiness. Do you not want to feel good about doing a good deed? Doesn't bringing a smile to someone face not complete you? To help someone through a hard time. To give instead of taking? 

But humans have turned into animals. And their hearts to stone.