How to live an Unbearable Life

The worst thing to happen in life, is to not understand your own self and your own needs. True there are many mysteries in daily life, like why doesn't it snow in the Middle East or why isn't chocolate cake considered breakfast? But trying to understand why you suddenly start crying over an innocent snap, or why you want what you can't have but you still want it so bad as to not live without it, that, yes THAT takes the freakin' prize. 

Pardon me for freaking out so often, but my battles are fought on paper. And when I don't write, I overthink. Thus drawing insanely inaccurate conclusions which result in embarrassing outbursts and damage of important relationships. Which then drives me to more writing. It's an endless loop. An outlet that sometimes work in favor and other times mends those relationships. 

I look around me and wonder how people can be so sure about life? I see people in a repeat loop on daily basis where they spend 15 hours of their life doing the same exact thing over and over again. Every. Single. Freakin'. Day. Like hello, you do realize your life is trickling by you stealthily while you do work for unknown people that gives you no advantage whatsoever. Except the monthly salary that you blow on your ride to and back from work. And the funny thing is, they are happy people. How? How can you be happy just sleeping through your life and not realizing every second you waste away is never coming back? HOW CAN YOU ACCEPT A HORRIFYING LIFE LIKE THAT? 

I cannot accept it. And you know what else I can't accept? That this all cannot be changed. Life is not a song on repeat, it's a melody that is played by your fingers. You want the robot life, you got it. But you make no memories. You don't find true love. You don't get to try sushi or go sky diving or ride a hot air balloon. You don't get to meet new people who change your life by teaching you what you never knew existed. You don't get to live the beauty of beautiful sunsets and blooming flowers. And I want all that. And believe it or not, I won't stop at nothing to get it. No culture is going to stop it. No high walls are going to stop it. And no matter how much you try to handicap me, I will not lose hope or the will to live my life the way I want it. 

Like I've said before, every want of yours can be fulfilled the right way. Just remove the wrong from it gently, side sweeping it into the drain. And living the want the right way. Sometimes it's tough to do it, but it's the only option you have as opposed to giving up on it. 

But for the love of God I can't figure out what I want. It's like my body and my soul has two different minds and are on so complete different plains. They have captured my body, but they couldn't my free flying soul. It has a fight on its own. And it's relentless. It's exhausting. It's never ending. 

Maybe I should be happy that I still have a fight left in me. But it's scarring. And everytime I hurt, the wounds cut deeper and deeper. 

Maybe one day, there will be no return to the sanity holding me down.

That Moment of Indecision

One thing I've learned in life, through my 'bad' experiences, is to never trust my heart. Quite contradicting to what those life quotes usually teach us. 'Trust your instincts', 'Listen to your gut feeling.''Your heart is always right'. Yeah...that. Hasn't quite worked out for me very well over the years.

And you guessed right. This is yet another heart vs head rant. Unfortunately it's a norm in the life of oppressed with very few emotional outlets. The fight is never ending. And I usually end up throwing my thoughts on to this wall to analyze and build some sense in me. Which basically means to persuade my inner demon to follow the brain for once in its lifetime and not screw up again. Sigh..it's an ongoing battle with no signs of truce far and wide. 

But should I really blame myself? Isn't that what you should expect from a free spirited bird that's been caged down forcefully and hardly has space to even beat its wings? Or am I playing the pity card which really has overgrown its sympathizing days? 

Think it's about time? Yup, it's definitely about time. Think I should maybe not do it? Yeah, maybe you shouldn't. Think we can go through the withdrawal phase? Nop, too painful. Isn't it about time I righted my wrongs? Definitely is. Then why is it so damn hard to do it? Because you are afraid that loneliness will engulf you in its dark depths once again. I'm not that attached am I? That's for you to find out. Sigh...this is hopeless. 

It's hopeless to extract myself back from that feeling of completeness. To want to turn and walk towards the other path that is so so lonely. How does one leave so much happiness and not turn back immediately? It's a scary world out there, and you hold me firm. You hold me tight in your circle of warmth and this feeling of soft fuzzy secureness. 

But. But. But. I have to do it. If not now then definitely later. There is a heartbreak looming up in the near future anyways. Why not start the process now so I can return back to brooding and complaining after couple of years. Have. To. Leave. 

But I can't. 

But I have to.

Dammit can't.

Have to, have to, have to.

*Sigh*