Princess Diaries: 11- The long awaited reply

Dear Diary,

I have gone through those words again and again a million times, till I have each word memorized. The first time I read them, I was revealed. Then angered. And then frustrated once again. How many chances do I give them? Each time I tear down the walls, those words change into something sinister. Something regretful. So then I turn away.

You haven't seen anything yet. Life keeps getting worse. It shows you worse and worse till you burst into tiny little pieces one day.

I have grown up way beyond my playing years. I don't play no more. I read, I wait, I regret.

I don't want this.

The black sky has turned so dark that even the shiniest diamonds disappear within its deep and ugly folds. I don't shine anymore. I mourn.

Can you buy back the love we lost? The moments forgotten? The feelings teared up? No you can't. Because money can't buy bliss. It can buy you temporary happiness but not forever.

True love lives on. But it needs hope to breathe. All hope is lost by now. Look into yourself, ask your heart. Is that hope? Or just happy memories hard to let go of?

I see you every night. So close. Trying to say something. The old you, the one I had. Whispering. 

What is addiction? Something that takes advantage of your vulnerability. It's hard to get rid of. Have you tried therapy?

I hide when you are not around. 

Don't you see? You have already moved on.

I had blossomed at those fine moments. When I touched heaven and fell back. But they seem so far away. An eternity away.

So don't bring marriage into this. A bond that needs trust. It will never be there.

Love as much as we do, a million galaxies apart. There are too many walls. I cant even hear you. I have already turned back. 

Maybe things have changed too much. 

Then take me. Take me up to heaven. Because this world is just too ugly and selfish. And I'm melting into it. I'm so scared. All alone. 

Take me with you.

 

The Land of No Color

This post has been published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 42; the forty-second edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; where we decide and we write. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton. The theme for the month is "COLOR"

The rain had almost faded out out. Everyday at this hour, the heavens poured down torrents of water for an hour or so. It helped the crops grow and ripen for the people of The Land of No Color. An old little town it was, where everything was either black or white, or something in between. Home to a number of magicians scattered across, a place where the most impossible wishes came true.

 Alladin left home with his stomach grumbling inconsistently. He kicked a black pebble into the murky greyish pond with his charcoal shoes. Everyone was busy hustling and bustling at the old fashioned market. The vendors were calling loudly on customers to buy their ripe grey fruit before it went completely black. Alladin caught an unguarded apple stand and grabbed a light grey one before anyone noticed. Crunch. The inside was stark white. 

The only tallest building in The Land of No Color was two stories. Stairs winded up delicately around the building to the sprawling roof. There he went everyday after rain to view the most beautiful miracle of life. The rainbow. As he gazed up it, he saw how different shades melted together to form beautiful hues that didn't exist anywhere else. There was a shade that made him feel calm and cool. He called it blue. And then there was one that caused his heart to beat faster with excitement. That one was red. And then he had named a couple others called green, yellow and purple. Slowly he reached towards it, hoping to touch it somehow.

 Whack. 

Something had fallen out of the sky and hit him hard on his arm. He looked up to see a raven black falcon gliding past. Something was glistening up at him. He squinted at it. It was a dirty, old lamp. He could see it was beautiful at one time, he rubbed the side with the cuff of his sleeve to bring out the pure white shine. Suddenly he was engulfed in grey smoke. Coughing he tried to get away from the clanging lamp. But he knew the routine. A grey genie suddenly appeared and stood in front of him, high and mighty waiting for his only wish. Alladin had been waiting for this moment since he was a little boy. Since the fortune teller has told him about this moment which would come in his life. Since the first time he had stepped on this roof and seen the miracle only God could create. He pointed towards the sky.

"That. I want that to be always with me wherever I go. Always. "

"Yes master." The genie bowed low.

BOOM. A bright flash of light exploded in his eyes. Then everything blacked out.

Chirp chirp. Aladdin groaned has he pressed the pillow down on his ears to block the white little birdies out. Chirrrp chirrrrrrrrrp chirrrrrrp. He threw a pillow at the white birds to scare them away......wait a minute....white? He jumped out of bed for a closer look. Blue. They were blue. He rubbed his eyes to make sure he wasn't hallucinating. Blue they were. Slapped himself across the face. Pinched his arm really hard. Still blue. 

And the he remembered.

He rushed to the window and drank in the luscious green grass and trees, the bright yellow sunflowers, the magenta wild flowers, the shining yellow sun, the gleaming light blue sky. He took in everything. His skin, it was light brown. His eyes were huge and striking blue. his lips were a soft reddish pink. He had to see more.

Aladdin walked into the hustling bustling market right after the rain. He was astonished at the colors of fruits all around him. Red apples, orange oranges, green grapes, yellow bananas. All fresh with tiny drops of water dripping off them. The Multi colored clothes the natives wore, with brown head scarves. The colored animals that he walked by. white horses, grey donkeys. a couple of brown monkeys running about.

 He ran up the stairs to his spot once again and looked up, half expecting to see the blue sky empty except for the white puffs of departing clouds. But she was still there. As magnificent as ever. The beautiful rainbow. 

And he had her forever now.

The fellow Blog-a-Tonics who took part in this Blog-a-Ton and links to their respective posts can be checked here. To be part of the next edition, visit and start following Blog-a-Ton. Participation Count: 03

Another page in the Book of Love - 3

Continued from Part 2

The land was blanketed in a thick layer of snow. Cold and serene. The most beautiful sight he had ever come across.  White.  He pulled his eyes low and kept walking through the falling flakes. Freedom. That is what he came here for, and that is what he will find. Freedom from thoughts, from memories. Freedom from the past. He walked up the stairs of his dorm entrance. I don't need friends here, I'm fine on my own. He dropped into his unmade bed and switched on his laptop.

                                   **************************

It was late. She walked into her dimly lit room tired. And stopped. He was there, lounging against the table with a teacup in his hand. Sipping at it slowly. Watching her intently. She couldn't help but run her eyes up his long legs, flat stomach, muscled arms, eyes still watching her. Damn! She struggled at pulling her eyes away. Blood rushed to her face when she realized the thoughts that just went through her mind. He smiled that knowing, mysterious smile. "What do you want?" She couldn't meet his gaze. "Nothing, just having tea." Still smiling. There was too much electricity in the air. His aura was all over her. His scent pulled at her. Something broke in her and she lost control. It was like a watching a movie from far. She saw herself walk up to him, take the teacup from his hand and place it on the table behind him. And then she gave in to temptation. The kiss was sudden, warm. Intense. Blood rushed to her brain till she thought she would hemmorage. Time was lost. Surroundings faded out. Air left her lungs. Just that sweet taste, that intense need. The passion causing her heart to stop beating. She thought she would faint. That this would be the end. She could feel his warmth taking her in, his smell causing her to hallucinate. Reality rushed in cold when she heard a knock. She pulled away with horror in her eyes. Panic pooled in her stomach. They can't know. 

                                    ******************************

"What are you thinking?" She blinked in surprise. Her mum in law stared at her expecting an answer. She felt disoriented. It wasn't real. Just a flashback. "Nothing really." she went back to pouring tea for everyone. In the same tea cups. 

                                   ***************************

The phone kept ringing for few minutes. The shrill noise was grating on her nerves. Useless piece of invention. Finally she picked it up. "Hey sweety..." She flinched. Her husband was the perfect man. He has always been the perfect epitome of perfectness. He deserved better. He deserved true love. "Um hi.." Was it that obvious? Her disinterest? If only she could reset her mind somehow. Erase the past away. Then she could have a perfect life with the perfect man. She shut out her heart pleading with her. She had to make more effort. 

For everyone's sake.

                                   ***************************

"Yes?" "Wake up man, it's almost three in the afternoon." He blinked against the harsh sunlight pouring through his tiny window. Last night he had done than usual. "It's too early. Shut the phone." "No. Its very late. Finals are next week. Prep up." Shit. He jumped out of bed. Very very late. I'm in big trouble. He rushed to bathroom and splashed his face with water. Wake up dammit. Think of a solution. His brain felt like stuffed cotton. Filled with muddy goo. I cant fail again. My dad will kill me. Think think think. Tutor with friends? Too social. Study in library? Too lonely. How do I get started? What do I study? I need help! He suddenly stopped in mid-stride. Afcourse. She is the only one. She will tell me what to do. He quickly switched on his MacBook. What time will it be there?

                              *****************************

The clock struck 1 a.m. She had drawn up an entire study schedule for him. Was an effort taken her condition, but she had to help him out. He had no one. He was all alone. Excuses. She ignored her silly heart. Always coming up with things too outrageous. Afcourse she was over him. 

She adjusted her pillow under her back and placed her iPad on the side. Lying in this posture for weeks haven't been easy. But she was determined to do the right thing. This is what will make my marriage true.

                                 ******************************

I can have her. His heart screamed at him as he chatted with her online.  She was always his and always will be. All he had to do was find a way. A way past her...false marriage. He had promised her he will wait till the end of time. And he had meant every word. If only she could see how imperfect her husband was for her. How much they loved each other. How perfectly they fit each other. He had to dive in right now. Right now! Before it was too late. "Do you still love me?" 

A long pause. He had a sense of foreboding washing over him very slowly. Something terrible was about to happen. 

"You need to know something."

He knew before she even said it.

"I'm expecting."

It's too late. 

                                                                                                        To be continued....

Selfish temptation

Perpetual negativity is the only light that I can see, the only perception familiar to me.
While a voice in my head whispering endlessly, let it be,
Silently, I surrender.
Not to a god, and not to his creations, not to a man, a woman or superficial elations,
But to that exact voice, which supposedly is my protection, instead, only leads to further dejection.
Unfortunately, our society is keen on promoting individuality,
and we failed to see that we are all from the same family tree.
We fail to realize, like a cover on our eyes, that kinship outweighs personal gratification,
what we blindly pursue is selfish temptation.
Yet people ask me, what exactly are you facing?
The thoughts in my head that are constantly racing.

Happiness: a state of mind,
Yet how can mine be so inclined to get in line for a false promise.
A cyclical habit of convincing myself “yea you got this”
When in reality, introspectively, I fucking lost it.
Pointless pleasantries, will be the death of me,
An empty smile feels like a vasectomy
Without the anesthesia.
A slave to myself, I do whatever it takes to please ya
But how can one be satisfied, with a monster inside, which controls every aspect of your life.
Permeating darkness inhibits your thoughts, until every organ inside you rots,
A poison that leaves you listless, yet, when I repress all this distress,
A part of me screams, Il miss this.
Because as I said, in my previous thread, I thrive on being bliss -less.


Written by - K.Damerji

Road trip

Blue sky
Fluffy clouds
Orange sunset
Reflected beauty
Long road
Hazy day
Blue car
Slow journey
Gas station
Fresh air
Cold water
Too icy
Flaming crisps
Sweet cookies
Colored drink
Beef jerky
Green trees
Wide meadows
Spotted cows
Perfectly hilly
Old memories
Echoing laughter
Distant love
Charging chemistry

Entity Paradigm (E.P) - Waqt

This is how the story goes ,in and out

one minute u're there, the next time runs out

its a figure of speech as a matter of fact

did u ever really think about the time you had

its the grain that falls, every second that crawls

to the minute to the hour till infinity recalls

its a barricade of twigs thats really never there

did u ever really think that time even cares


ik ehsaas hai

keh socha na tha

waqt dhalta raha

mein chalta raha



andheron mein bhee

ik roshnee thee

us roshnee mein

ghar jalta raha



tau dil mera roye to kia

waqt iradon ko torey to kia

manzil ko apnee payen gai hum

waqt ko apna banayen gai hum



ho ho ho (x3)

jo chahoon woh ho

ho ho ho (x3)



here's a little something that you really can think about

the time that got left and time that ran out

keepin in mind what i left behind

my sanity my soul brought down to a fine line

the pain the shame too late to quit this game

i can never change....

cuz i'm one of a kind

even if i wanted to i couldnt decide

cuz i never really had time on my side



girta raha

sambhalta raha

is khamoshi mein

main marta raha



umeedon kai mein saye taley

khwabon ko tarasta raha



tau dil mera roye to kia

waqt iradon ko torey to kia

manzil ko apnee payen gai hum

waqt ko apna banayen gai hum



is dhool kai khumar sai nashey mein rahey

giray jin diyon pai pardey jaley na bujhey



ho ho ho (x3)

jo chahoon woh ho

ho ho ho (x3)


mein chahoon woh ho

A new day to love

I did it again. Fell into the deep and murky waters of despised. That's what I get for throwing my heart around like cheap candy. i mean seriously, do I never learn?! It's just one person after another. Talk about insatiable lust. Now all I have to do is wait for the right moment when my heart shatters into pieces, then I will curse the mankind for having lived on the earth for any reason at all.

It has come so far as to me wondering how people actually live without love at all? I mean you come across all these people uttering gay words like 'I have saved myself for that one special someone' or 'I like to live a lonely life if he is not there'. Seriously? What is this? The live-your-sad-little-life-and-die-a-virgin crappy tv show? I mean look at the beauty around you? How can you not fall in love with a good sense of humor and a heartbreaking smile?

I fall in love everyday. Every single day I wake up, I fall in love with a someone. Then the dreams start where im eloping to a wild, natural place or taking a weekend trip to Amsterdam and partying all night long. Everything starts regaining color and vigor. Nature becomes gorgeously colored, clouds because immensely white and soft, and the wind just whispers these sweet little anythings in your ears. It's like Alice in wonderland all over again. And I love that feeling of being completely elated by an emotion so strong. It gives you better high than marijuana can ever. And it last for more than a couple of hours. It lasts for days and days on....till it all comes crashing down around you like scattered confetti from a broken piñata.

The heartbreak is the hardest part. But it's a ride on its own. Taken its painful ...but so are jalapeñoes. You still have them with every meal and chew on them with happy delight!

And that is what I advice people waiting for their knight in shining armor to appear from the horizon. Don't wait. Life is too short. It will be over before you even have time to say 'come hither'.

Just fall in love and live the moment.

Every single day is a new day.

Love equals hate?

Crazy how a totally fictional piece of art can make you reflect on your life decisions all day long. And all night long. Maybe conjure up some purposefully forgotten memories. Maybe give an explanation to why your heart has been reacting so irrationally crazy for a while now. And Maybe to help you understand those emotions that has been bombarding you like melons lately.

It is really tough coming across a good movie with all the 'fake storytellers' repeating the same mantra over and over again, just with different faces and new locations. It's all about who has the hottest body and who can belly dance best to a slutty song. Seriously, whatever happened to the art of drama?

But once in a while, a good movie totally sweeps you of the floor. Like it happened to me last night. Inkaar. Worth an hour and a half totally. Even if the oversized coke and nachos were missing.

It started off with two people tearing at each others throats, trying to hold on to the perfect job. But as the story moves on, it tells us how emotions evolved into one another. Two people, madly in love with each other, yet unable to love each other. Why? The world got involved. So what do the emotions to do? They don't just disappear into thin air thinking like, 'oh damn, we seem to be creating a huge scene here, so lets just go and bother someone else now.' NOOO. They decide to evolve into frustrations, so the two lovers start sleeping around with other people, yet creating more problems in their already screwed up lives. Result being they end up hating each other.

Lesson of the day. Denial, The worse possible way of killing your conscious through torture. Do not ever deny your feelings for another person, no matter what the situation may be, or how ever the world may pressurize you into walking past it. The feelings never really disappear, they just evolve into a more hurtful emotion. And creates more ugly baggage between you.

Admit it, accept it and deal with it.

I know I did.

The moment when...

                                    

The moment when you suddenly feel depressed for no reason at all. Its that moment of ungratefulness to all the blessings around you, when you feel like the most harassed kid on the block. Eyes fill up and heart strings tug. And you wish for the earth to open up and swallow you in or an airplane to sweep you up into the far heavens above. Every picture loses its color into murky shades of grey. So I explore the possible reasons for this sudden onset of downward spiral of my life.

Could it be my surroundings? The fact that there are innocent people being killed off for no reason and the reporter gleefully discussing ever tiny details of their deaths as casually as discussing the toppings on her favourite icecream. Or maybe that people are killing for a single morsel of food before hunger pangs take over their last breath. Or that the rich are squeezing every single drop of blood out the poor helpless in form of great stacks of money which they gamble away. And with the economy just an inch away from smacking down into the barren earth and falling slave to the great 'A'. Maybe the fact that the blood shedding has caused such horrifying images stamped into every citizens brain thus preventing them from socialising and leading a normal life. Have I become the victim to the latter?

Maybe this mood drop is due to the fact that I get wiped out of every planned part of my day, just because I am being nice to others. Why do I always put others before myself, and end up with nothing in my hands. Afcourse I don't want to morph into one of these selfish beings where they suck happiness out of others like a leach. I want to be the same old girl who wanted her parents to look at her proudly one day and declare to the whole world that no daughter has ever been more perfect than Her. Why do I always end up being unhappy when giving others a piece of my heart? Isn't this the right way? Isn't this how it is supposed to work, by giving and not expecting? Then why am I always taken advantage of?

And then again maybe as always its the matters of the heart. Come a lonely night where the air is so quite, it makes a needle drop sound like an explosion. And here I am all alone trying to fill that void with the fictional problems of my upper east IT girls. Really. Pathetic much? And who would blame a girl for actually making some intimate relationships, even if they are illicit. 

Believe it or not, I have officially lost my mind.

So sue me for trying to socialize. What better way to lose the burden of self pity by hearing a string of compliments from an acquainted admirer? Sometimes I sound utterly senseless to my own self.

Help?